


tea

by imsodead



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Post-Break Up, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 18:32:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15891666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imsodead/pseuds/imsodead
Summary: Erza remembers spring.





	tea

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aryagraceling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/gifts).



> hi, rachel!! i'm sorry this was so late D: i had some problems w posting and hhhhhhhh i'll just save that for later. anyway!! this is my first time writing this ship and writing Erza in general so it's a bit iffy, i'm sorry. but aaaahhh i love writing angst and enjoyed writing this (although i feel like it needed more angst) hshhshs, i hope you'll like it

Erza remembers a time when there was a heavy downpour in the middle of spring.

It had been one of those rare days where her planner wasn’t chockful of reminders about places to go, people to meet, and deadlines to chase, one of those times where she could just sit back and breathe, relish in the calm that comes with the thought of having nothing to fuss about. But most importantly, it was one of the rarer times where her schedule matched up with Gray’s.

It had been a rare opportunity for both: the chance to meet up and spend the day together without having to be worried about the time, a client, or a meeting to attend to. Erza supposes it’s been a few months since they got to meet like this and plan a nice day out to enjoy in the company of one another.

But unfortunately, it had also been one of those times when life had rained on their parade – quite literally, that is.

She remembers the frustration that bubbled up the pits of her stomach, weighing her heart down and squeezing at her throat as she listened to the sound of heavy rain dripping onto her roof. She had prepared for a picnic that day, and she was just packing up the last of the snacks she had prepared when it had started raining.

It came gradually. A drop at a time, and then a light shower.

And at first, it didn’t bother her that much. It was just a light shower, it was bound to be over soon. She remembers seeing the forecast that time, and what once was a screen advertising a full day of sunshine showed an hour marred with the dark grey of rain showers. The forecast showed no indication of the rain continuing for the whole day, so she knew everything would be okay.

But then the minutes turned into hours and still, the rain had not let up. She was getting antsier by the second, pacing back and forth across the room, fiddling with the fraying edges of the lunch bag she prepared, and checking her phone for the forecast every now and then. The forecast hadn’t changed, though, and it was supposed to be all sunny and bright at this hour now just like what the forecast had said, but the sky still remained dark and dreary and the wind cold and harsh.

Gray had arrived at some point while she was waiting for the rain to stop and had settled on her couch to watch tv. She barely paid him any mind that moment because she had been too absorbed in searching up for tricks to make the rain finally stop. She remembers asking Juvia for tips, and the blue-haired woman enthusiastically linking her to sites that seemed way too sketchy and spouted too much words and ideas of grandeur for it to be real or even believable. But she was slightly desperate and thought there would be no harm in trying it out.

So she had started to skim through the third link (briefly, she wonders how on earth Juvia had come across these) although she had yet to try out a single thing from all the nonsense she’s read. It had to be an hour since she pulled up those sites, and yet to no avail, the rain still hadn’t stopped. She was getting impatient already, so, with a sigh of resignation, she pulled up another site and decided to try out at least one.

Embarrassment tainted her cheeks pink that time as she went through the words of a mantra under her breath. She wondered who in their right mind would willingly write and spout such kinds of words. Erza felt that she would die if anyone heard her right now, although she had an inkling that Gray might have been hearing bits and pieces, judging from how the television’s volume went up all of a sudden. She sighed as she reached the end of the passage an squeezed her eyes shut. She needed time to recollect herself lest she lash out (whether it was out of impatience or sheer embarrassment, she does not know).

Erza remembered that it was during that time when she first employed a calming technique someone had suggested to her once. She controlled her breathing, and focused on emptying the thoughts in her mind, letting the noise around her fade away into the background. But then the sound of the tv was suddenly cut off and she could hear footsteps approaching, and next thing she knew, someone was shaking her.

She could still recall the terrified face Gray had made the moment her eyes flew open and landed on his with a glare. A scowl had made its way across the redhead’s face and a scolding was ready to spill from her lips when she noticed one thing. _Oh._

The rain had stopped.

Quickly, she turned to the window and almost cried in relief when she saw that rain had indeed stopped falling. She faces Gray once again, “Get the drinks from the fridge. Let’s finish packing up so we could go.” She stands up from her seat and watches as Gray heads off to the kitchen, feeling her mood instantly lighten at the thought of their plans not being ruined completely. She remembers thinking begrudgingly that those embarrassing mantras from the site Juvia had sent might’ve worked and remembers sending a text to thank the bluenette, something she soon regretted because it had soon become something Juvia started to hold over her, something she used to tease Erza with up to the present.

She should’ve thought that through.

But back then, she had no time to think much about it. Rather, she had to busy herself once more with resuming the preparations. There was no time to waste –

_Ah._

It started raining again.

But this time, it had come in a big rush.

There was no warning or gradual build up whatsoever. The sky simply burst into a torrent of heavy rain pounding on her roof in a pattern that seemed to sing mockeries at her.

She remembers the disappointment she felt when it came, the heavy feeling settling back into her chest and constricting her throat once more. She remembers the way her eyes burned, the telltale sign of incoming tears, and remembers closing her eyes and trying to take deep breaths because she will not cry, everything’s okay, it was just a minor setback, and everything would still be okay.

And then she remembers hearing a pair of footsteps approach, and her opening her eyes but casting her gaze down on the hem of her skirt. She does not want to meet his disappointed gaze.

“It’s raining again,” She remembers saying, not even looking up to acknowledge Gray’s presence in the room, “You should put the drinks back before they go warm.” She takes a deep breath to steady herself once more, feeling as if one more word and her voice would crack, and her tears would drip, and she would give in.

But instead of retreating footsteps, she hears them move closer and hears the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor.

Erza looks up.

“It’s fine,” Gray speaks softly, reaching over from across the table and pressing a mug into her hands.

It’s warm, Erza notes as her hands wrapped around it instinctively. And even months after, she could still remember its warmth, as if it still lingered around her like a phantom heat that would never go away.

And there was the taste.

She could still remember it. Because she remembers that she used to tease Gray all the time about his inability to make decent tea and the one he had prepared that day was no less different from all the ones he’s made before. But somehow, it still tasted different. It had left a burnt, bitter taste trailing across her tongue, the same characteristic taste that all the tea he made had. But it was different. It tasted bitter and burnt and way too strong but still, it left a sweet and soft aftertaste dancing on her tongue. It was horrible, but it was the best she’s ever had, and up to this day, Erza could never forget the taste of that tea.

And she remembers again, that time when she first took a tentative sip. Gray was watching her from the rim of his own mug, silently awaiting her reaction.

Her first instinct back then was to grimace as the bitter liquid met her tongue and she could see from the corner of her eyes that Gray deflated, subtly slumping down his seat, a small frown on his face. She took another sip, winced, and could feel Gray staring at her. He looked as if he was about to say something, most likely about to stop her from drinking anymore. But Erza met his eyes and downed the whole drink in one go, setting it down softly.

How odd.

The tea tasted horrible and felt wrong in her stomach, but she didn’t feel the least bit sick. In fact, she remembered that it was the best she’s felt in weeks.

“Thank you,” Erza found herself saying, smiling softly as she toys with the empty mug. She felt a bit better after that. As if the rush of liquid had chased away the howling winds biting at her heart and loosened the iron grip clawing at her throat. She felt stronger.

And soon, she found that once again, she could talk without fear of her voice breaking, “And I’m sorry.”

Gray’s hands were warm as he reached across to take hers in his. And his voice was just as warm as he reassured her over and over again that it was fine, that this was fine, that everything would be okay.

And although Erza had thought otherwise, she had let herself be convinced, let Gray drag her away, and let herself feel okay.

She remembers Gray putting on a movie once he had managed to drag her into the living room, remembers him making a fort that was all blankets and pillows piled on top of them, remembers him pulling out the lunch bag she had prepared, and remembers thinking how warm it is and how safe she feels right next to him.

She remembers thinking how at home she feels with him by his side.

Which was weird in all its sense. She _was_ at her own home, she _should_ feel at home in her _own_ home. But for reasons she could not understand, her home felt empty whenever it was just her alone.

She remembers looking up at him that day with such fondness in her eyes, looking at him as if he were the one who hung the stars in the sky. And maybe that were the case, because even if he didn’t literally do it, he figuratively hung enough to brighten Erza’s world and guide her back home.

“Home doesn’t feel like home without you by my side,” She remembers herself accidentally saying. The words had just flowed so easily from her lips that she did not even realize she’s said them aloud if not for the sudden shift in Gray’s countenance.

Gray was blushing. From the tips of his ears and down to the base of his neck, he donned a full-blown splotch of red. Erza remembers smiling at the sight and then realizing what had transpired. She remembers feeling the heat creep up her cheeks as well and the way her body trembled as she tried to stutter out an excuse.

But Gray stopped her. He smiled and told Erza it was okay, that he felt the same way. And Erza’s heart soared.

That time, Erza remembers that she didn’t mind that her home felt empty without him there. Because she knew that even if her own home didn’t feel like one, she had a home in Gray. And that was something that would never go away.

She remembers all those soft, fond feelings that swarmed her heart that day, remembers the way her heart swelled, the way she felt so warm inside despite the cold that knocked at her door. And for once in several months, she remembered feeling as if she were finally home.

And until now, Erza remembers that day well.

Because although she had much grander, happier, and brighter memories, she realized they couldn’t ever beat that one. To her, it was the little things, the smaller moments, that she held dear the most. She had always carried them in her heart and remembered them with a tinge of fondness warming her all the way down to the tips of her toes.

But that was before.

Because now, that memory of springtime only leaves a bad taste on her tongue, a dark, sinking feeling that claws at her heart and closes in on her throat. The memory leaves her breathless, and panting, and choking for air that she couldn’t breathe, leaves her hopeless, and drowning, and reaching for a hand that she could never reach, calling out to a boy that wasn’t there anymore.

She hated how that memory made her feel.

And today, Erza remembers it as well.

It had been one of her better days, one spent away from the confines of her office cubicle. The weather was all bright and sunny and breezy, and Erza had thought it would be a good idea to at least enjoy it on the front porch of her house. And so, armed with a mug of tea and a book, she settles on a chair and tries to relax.

It was going so well. The sunlight and the breeze and the sound of laughter were all a perfect symphony that put her at ease and soothed her soul. Today had really been one of the better days.

She could enjoy a book, drink her tea, and bask in the sun. Today was a good day, and for once, everything felt right.

But then rain suddenly poured and in an instant, everything felt wrong again.

Because in that moment, everything just hit her all of a sudden, and like a tower of cards toppling over with the flick of a breeze, all the feelings and memories came crashing down on her. The weight of it all was a crushing one, a pressure that dug deep into her chest and squeezed the life out of her lungs, and it was as if she were nose-deep in the sea, and the water’s already gushing down her throat, filling up her lungs and washing away her heart, and she couldn’t feel, couldn’t scream, couldn’t breathe.

She felt so stupid for feeling paralyzed by a thing of the past.

And really, she just felt so disappointed in herself. She thought she was finally okay, thought that after days and weeks and months of drowning herself in work and reading up on books and self-helps and advices, she was finally okay.

But now she realizes that maybe that was not the best way to go about it. Now, she realizes that maybe she had only been running away, realizes that she hasn’t really come to terms with anything, realizes that she her feelings still haven’t changed – that she still hasn’t changed.

That realization leaves a bitter taste on her tongue, a dark, ugly feeling swishing down the pits of her stomach. It made her feel sick. She tries to down some tea to wash out the taste, tries to swallow the bitter feeling down, but instead of going away, it comes back stronger.

Because she remembers again.

The tea she had that day. It was warm and soft and sweet, yet bitter and burnt and too strong. She could still taste it on her tongue, like an aftertaste of a bad memory that lingered too long. And it left her feeling as if her very soul was ripped out, left her feeling as if her heart was hollowed out.

Erza tries to close her eyes, tries to shut out the thoughts, tries to drown out the feelings, but they push back at her stronger than ever. All the memories seemed to corner her, and she feels as if she’s trapped in a dark tank underwater where there is no place to go, no way to leave. She feels trapped and chained, and she struggles against the binds, clawing at the dark that tries to take away her heart and tries to scream. She tries a lot of things but facing them wasn’t one of it.

She just couldn’t do it.

She felt that if she were to do it, she would finally sink.

So, every day, every season, every spring, she tries to bid her time. But running away can only do so much, and it seems that today, everything’s she’s tried to bury underneath has caught up to her. Now they sit in the corner, watching her struggle, and mocking her for trying to run away again.

And Erza’s had enough of it.

It’s raining heavily today, but Erza didn’t have a care in the world.

She had to go, had to leave, just had to run away from there. Because it was all coming back. And she didn’t want that, didn’t need that.

So, she ran.

She ran and ran and ran, letting the rain soak through her skin. She didn’t feel cold, didn’t feel the stinging in her eyes, didn’t feel anything. She was too focused on thinking about getting out of there and trying to keep the bad memories at bay.

But she didn’t know where to go, didn’t know what to do. All she knew was that she had to get away from that house. That empty house that only held memories of better days gone bad, traces of a past gone cold, ghosts of the feelings gone numb, and fragments of what was once her universe now turned to ashes.

She felt lost.

Because where does one go when their home doesn’t feel like a home anymore? Where does one go when their very home just up and left without a word? Where does one go?

Erza didn’t know.

And Erza didn’t want to know.

So she kept running.

**Author's Note:**

> hello again!! tbh, this was part of a longer fic but it was getting too crowded and the transitions just didn't work out to my liking so i separated it into four parts, meaning this is just 1/4 (or maybe more). the others will hopefully be up soon. honestly though, i wasn't sure what to write about hhh and this was a completely different story a month ago. but nonetheless, i hope all of u enjoyed this  
> (@/rachel, but anw, i'm really sorry it's late,,,i'm living on limited data right now & i'm just waiting for it to run out so i could get a better plan hhhh but aaaa as an apology, i'll be gifting the rest of the fics to you!! they'll be getting angstier than this, i hope)
> 
> side note: also, if any of u find mistakes (esp missing letters!! please point them out hhhh my keyboard's broken and i had to get by w copy-pasting the missing letters + spellcheck (which wasnt always helpful)


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